The Big But

I really like you, but. . .

I agree with you, but. . .

You look great in that dress, but. . .

Do you get the feeling from these three examples that whatever coming next might not be so good?

The word 'but' is a huge negator that will cost you persuasive power, and if you get right down to it, learning to use language with precision is a key element of persuasion.

'But' actually weakens your ability to persuade others. Whether you use it in print, in conversations, e-mail, or any other form of communication, it's a tiny yet dangerous word.

Here's an explanation of how 'but' can hurt you. Let's take an example from above. Have you ever had a romantic interest say to you, 'You know, I really like you a lot, but. . . '? Ouch. I'm not sure I want to hear what's next. '. . . but I'd just like to be friends.' Bummer. And yet, you saw it coming at the but, didn't you?

Then there's, 'I agree with you, but. . .' But what? 'But it's just too expensive.' Ugh. 'But I still think I'm right.'

Using 'but' in the sentence negated everything that came before it. What 'I agree with you, but. . .' is really saying is, 'I don't agree with you.'

Another thing your big but can do is make you sound indecisive, wishy washy, or like a dreaded waffler. It softens the power and strength of your message, lessens your authority, and exposes weakness.

When persuading the affluent, avoiding this appearance of indecisiveness is especially important. What's more persuasive--using negating words like 'but', or a more solid statement like, 'I don't agree with you, and here's why'?

Start to pay attention to others when they use the word 'but'. You may get the feeling that they're not telling you the whole truth, the whole story, like there's something they're holding back. You might even get left with the feeling of 'What else is wrong? What else am I not aware of?' When this occurs, our brains perform what is called a trans-derivational search (TDS) in order to internally search for what's wrong. You're actually attempting to mind-read what you think they're leaving out. In most cases, this leaves you assuming they disagree with you. That's the opposite of rapport.

Not too long ago I noticed a big but. A young starlet was being interviewed before she went to jail. Her sentences were filled with incongruency. At one point where she said (and I'm paraphrasing), 'Well, I feel really bad about what I've done and I'm ready to face the consequences of my actions, but' and then she just trailed off.

But? But what? 'But, I'm beautiful, spoiled, privileged, entitled and I can do whatever I want'? 'But bite me. I'll do whatever I please with no consequences'? See? That's where my TDI search went. I filled in her blank with my own mind reading abilities. I'd wager I'm not too far off on this one.

What people say is what they mean.One of the great secrets to persuasion is reading between the lines. Listening to what people say is your job. 'But' is a perfect example of this. Take a moment to distinguish the actual words and you'll likely be surprised at what they are really saying.

There's a really easy way to eliminate 'but' and regain your persuasive power. Simply replace it with 'and'.

Instead of, 'I agree with you, but I still think I'm right.' Try, 'I agree with you and I still think I'm right.' Instead of, 'I really want to hire you, but we can't afford what you're asking.' Try, 'I really want to hire you, and we can't afford what you're asking.'

This will give you WAY more credibility when speaking to others. The more congruency and fewer contradictions you make, the more successful you will be at persuasion.

About the Author

Kenrick Cleveland teaches techniques to earn the business of wealthy prospects using persuasion. He runs public and private seminars and offers home study courses and coaching programs in persuasion techniques. Don't reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.

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