3 Unconscious Habits That Kill Effective Communication

The degree to which we can enjoy effective communicate at home and work depends on our habits. Look over the past 24 hours and think about the conversations that ended abruptly or in anger. If you're willing to look closely, you may find what most people do. 98% of their communication breakdowns habitually occur in the same situations. Most people assume it's the other person that causes their conversations to come to such frustrating stops (picture rival co-workers, personality clashes with spouse, and sibling rivalries you referee).

People don't think of their habits as possible sources of their conflicts, frustrations, and upset feelings. They never realize their habits are calling all the shots, giving orders like hit men to eliminate what threatens them. To make matters worse, we try resolving our communication breakdowns with quick-fix phrases from books or shaky advice from friends that only aggravate the situation. If you regularly experience this type of Communication Frustration then one of the following 3 habits is the likely culprit.

Habit #1 - Moralistic Judgments

Wrongness or badness are the focal points of this habit. The target is anyone who doesn't act according to what we value and desire. Habitual moralistic judging uses language like "That's rude","They're conceited", "She's a good person", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's stupid", "It's inappropriate", "I'm right", "You're wrong", "They're bad people", Other ways of making judgements include placing blame, ethnic slangs, name calling, labels, criticisms, and analyzing. Moralistic judgement is very concerned with who IS what by labeling people based on what they do and say.

Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others

This aim of this habit is to demonstrate someone is woefully lacking or deficient in some way. Comparisons present themselves in language like "He's not so great", "She doesn't deserve", "They're better than", "You just don't get it", "You're not fair", "He always", "I'll never be like", "I'll play devil's advocate". Comparing self and others is about rationalizing who deserves what, based on things that happen to us and those we care about.

Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others

The aim of this habit is to persuade others we aren't responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions with obscure language that shifts our personal responsibility to other people. More forms of denying personal responsibility include phrases like "I have to", "You make me feel", "I need to", "It's not my fault", "I was told to", "I really should", "You know I can't", "That's not our policy", "The rules say". We deny personal responsibility when we assume a lack of choices for events and behaviors we want others to believe we were powerless to control.

It's not a matter of if we do these things, but the degree to which we all do them. How are these habits showing up in your life? Are you comparing and manipulating to get your spouse, children, and co-workers to do what you want? Are you denying responsibility for your thoughts and feelings? Are you making others responsible for your actions and commitments? Are you using company policies, rules, and management to deny responsibility? Remember you're not broken, but your strategies may be.

About the Author

Life Strategist John Reisinger, can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and experience Remarkable Living.

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